sooooo…..I love my birthday……
For the past few years, I haven’t really been in the mood to do anything for it (which is very uncharacteristic of me). From very early childhood, I have always referred to August as “[my name] birthday month.” It was never about the presents or any of the material things, it was about celebrating life and appreciating all of my blessings. Losing my family member in 2015 changed the way I felt about my birthday. I still appreciate my blessings but I don’t make a big deal out of it anymore. This is the first time since I lost her that I feel remotely excited for my birthday. Maybe because Mr. Fuzzy is making a big deal out of it….who knows?
I was driving home on Friday night and called Mr. Fuzzy to keep me company. I could tell he was tired and was coming across as a bit grumpy so I said I was going to hang up and talk to him tomorrow. He apologized and I said there was nothing to be sorry for, I would talk to him later. I ended the conversation and didn’t really think of it again.
Mr. Fuzzy called me Saturday night, as usual. We began talking and he said that if I ever wanted this to work, I needed to be better at communicating with him when something is on my mind. I was sincerely confused so I asked where this was coming from and he mentioned our call from the night before. He said he could hear my tone shift and knew I was annoyed. He made the assumption I was mad which is why he apologized. Instead of talking about why I was annoyed with him, I “abruptly ended the conversation.” This small incident became the catalyst to a much deeper conversation that I was not expecting.
He then went on to tell me that the main reason it had taken him so long to come visit me was because he was nervous that he liked me way more than I liked him.
“You are so hard to read. I sincerely don’t know if you like me or have feelings for me. Sometimes I think this is completely one-sided where I am chasing you and you are just letting me for the hell of it. I get that you’re strong and independent. I get that you have had terrible relationships before and you are guarded and cautious because of it. But babe, I am the man in this relationship and you have to start letting me be one. You need to get used to the idea that you need to be able to open up to someone, to trust them, to let them take care of you, to let them wear them pants. I know you’ve been through a lot, which is why I give you a lot of slack but that’s going to run out eventually. You have to let yourself be vulnerable otherwise we are never going to work.”
I listened to all of this quietly, every word making me feel more and more terrible. This is a guy that I really like – who puts in a lot of effort and deals with a lot of my shit. The more I like him, the more insanely guarded I become. I am terrified of getting hurt so my solution is to push him away. I don’t know if it’s supposed to work out with him but he is someone that I want to give it a try with. Hearing all of this from him made me feel so shitty.
It’s funny – every single guy I have dated has asked me at one point or another if I “even like him”. Like I’m talking even a guy that I dated for 5 years asked me if I liked him. At first I thought this was just comedic and always joked about my severe emotional limitations but after this conversation with Mr. Fuzzy, I realize it’s actually an issue. I want to wholeheartedly love someone. I want to trust someone more than I trust myself. I want to feel safe with someone. I’m never going to get there by being this emotionally guarded.
Mr. Fuzzy deserves better than what I am currently giving him. After this conversation, I have decided that I should just take the metaphorical leap. Who cares if I crash and burn at the bottom – that is just the risk you take when finding love. He deserves the real me, not the guarded pieces I am revealing to him in minute increments.
So here it goes: I am jumping in head first. I am holding nothing back. I am going to be emotional, vulnerable and girly. I am going to be lovey-dovey. I am going to be the girl I know I am but spend so much energy hiding.
Wish me luck.